School Counselor: "Eric, where do you see yourself in five years ?" Eric: takes out his iPhone,.. "Siri, where do I see myself in five years ?"
This morning I went to Dennys for breakfast. I asked the waiter for a number one and he came over and peed on me.
Elephant to Camel - Why are your breasts on your back? - Camel - That's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face.
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator. "Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol." "Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat'em!" "Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?" "I eat the Democrats" says the little guy. "Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."
