January 4, 2006
USC VS. TEXAS: THE FIRST QUARTER
—USC wins the toss, of course. Had they done one hundred coin tosses, USC would have won all of them. USC defers, and Texas elects to receive. Refs shake their heads in unison, dial 9-1 on their cell phones, wait with finger poised over the 1.
—A new ball is called for a rekick to replace original ball. No such replacement is available for what used to be called the earth’s moon, which Troy Van Blarcom’s kickoff has split in twain with horrifying force. Entire nation of India breaks into chorus of “Fight On” out of mixed awe, fear and respect.
–Kickoff is fielded cleanly by a woman in the third row of the stands. As she catches it, her chronic painful sciatica miraculously heals, and her tears of joy make daisies sprout from the cracks in the concrete as they hit the pavement.
–Texas runs their first play: a play-action qb option play with Limas Sweed running wild and wide open behind the Trojan secondary…who catches the ball and is immediately struck by lightning, evaporating into a pile of fine ashes on contact. Two quick runs and Texas punts cleanly to a waiting Reggie Bush, who calls a fair catch.
–Reggie Bush then scores on a 63 yard return…with his mind.
–Texas gets the ball again on a kick, but fumbles when Frostee Rucker, sitting on the sidelines, points his hand in the direction of the ballcarrier, wiggles his fingers and wrinkles his philtrum side to side a la Samantha in Bewitched. In a comfortable Tudor home in suburban Connecticut, Gladys Kravitz shakes her head and thinks that she just knows something isn’t right about that Rucker boy.
Gladys Kravitz just knew there was something about that Rucker boy.
–The Texas returner instantly fumbles the ball into the waiting hands of backup TE Fred Davis, who scores a touchdown and celebrates by knitting a perfectly formed red and gold beanie in 3.4 seconds flat. As he tosses the beanie in the stands, it turns into a dove and flies to Palestine, where peace reigns for the first time in recorded history.
–In response, the Texas ball carrier thanks Rucker for mercy, and offers his rump to Rucker in a display of animal submission. Rucker declines, saying that while Frostee Rucker may sing about love, he cannot actually feel love…for steel has no heart. The entire Texas bench breaks into tears upon hearing this, and Limas Sweed leaps from the top of the Rose Bowl to his death in sympathy.
–Texas drives sixty yards on the ensuing possession, but only because USC’s defense is now sitting on the sidelines on their thrones of gold, celebrating their already certain victory by throwing fistfuls of doubloons into the crowd and occasionally stopping to make fierce but tender love to the women of the crowd. Each one of them makes sweet perfect love to a degree you cannot possibly hope to equal, and each woman immediately takes vows of chastity afterward, swearing that life has given them all it could offer and they can want no more. (You know, kind of like Prince’s ex-girlfriends all do.)
–In place of the USC defense, the band plays a fine series, mixing in zone blitzes with a cover 2 scheme that contains Vince Young with a spy on third down, in this instance a second year biochem major who plays flute. She makes an amazing open-field tackle on Young on 3rd and goal, and Longhorns settle for a field goal.
Should do a fine job once the game ends in the first quarter.
–On the kickoff, Reggie Bush takes a knee, but only to show his infinite mercy and goodness to the Longhorns. In gratitude, the Longhorns build a golden calf and offer it to Reggie, who graciously takes the calf, melts it down with his bare hands, and sells it on the open market for a profit he immediately donates to the well-run charity of his choice.
–Matt Leinart takes the first snap, goes play action, and throws a line drive through the chest of corner Cedric Griffin to Dwayne Jarrett for a ten yard completion. As Jarrett streaks to the endzone, Griffin begs for assistance. Leinart declines, saying that Bush is the merciful God, while he is the vengeful one. Bush laughs, puts down his chalice of mead, and heals Griffin while having sex with Vince Young’s mother.
And that’s how the first quarter should go.
-author unknown
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