Planning for the fall football season in Louisiana is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to Tiger Stadium, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
LSU: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
LSU: The West Upper Deck alone holds 20,000 people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
LSU: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
LSU: Statue of a big ass tiger (next to the live big-ass tiger).
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Could also be a physics major.
LSU: Could also be Miss America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
LSU: Billy Cannon
Game Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and get tickets.
LSU: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution and put name on a waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
LSU: Not likely, but there would be no class starting on Tuesday because the campus would be packed with RV's and drunk Tiger fans!
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
LSU: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
LSU: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and Rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting 'Game Day Live' to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why 'Game Day Live' is never Broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to Local radio station with truck tailgate down.
LSU: 30-foot custom smoker made from an old RV, generators, plasma tv's, kegs, wet bars.. Cooking accompanied by live performance by 'Dave Matthews' Band,' who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask 'Where's the stadium?' When you find it, you walk right in.
LSU: Simple, on game day it becomes the state's third largest city.. Can’t miss it.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
LSU: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
LSU: 100,000 fans, all standing, all sing along with hand over their heart.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
LSU: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: 'Nice play.
LSU: 'Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs.
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: 'This is a violent sport.
LSU: 'Dammit, you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
LSU: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of LSU Football!
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