Chaste Chad writes what he kneauxs
“By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Open, lock, corndogs knock.” – W.S.
Smell that? No, the septic tank is working fine. That is the smell of LSU coming to town. And this weekend's game between Auburn and LSU promises to be the greatest college football game since last weekend.
![[IMG]](http://www.wardamntailgate.com/journalists/gibbs/lesmiles.jpg)
The battle of the Tigers is always one of the most exciting games of the year, but for me, the thrill is gone. And by thrill I mean paralyzing fear. Please don’t get me wrong, because I’m not talking about LSU fans. I am still very afraid of them, since they are chocked full of things penicillin cannot cure. It’s the team that no longer frightens me, and that is because Nick Saban no longer roams their sidelines.
Saban was Beelzebub in coaching shorts. A no-nonsense disciplinarian who accepted nothing less than perfection. And even though his record against Auburn was only 2-3, I would have gladly paid for his moving van to Miami.
Now the Bayou Bengals are led by former Oklahoma State coach Les Miles (Motto: TIMEOUT!). And while Miles is technically undefeated against Auburn, it is hard to be scared of a man who continues to unknowingly wear a kid-sized baseball cap.
That being said, Miles still has some of Nick Saban’s players, which is sort of like North Korea having nukes. Sure, they might get lucky and incinerate Portland, but they are just as likely to blow up themselves.
Like I said, LSU fans are a completely different story. Corndogaphobia was recently recognized by the National Institute of Mental Health as the third leading fear among adults who bathe regularly, right behind fear of clowns, and fear of evil clowns. And I don’t want to offend LSU fans, because my tetanus shots are not up to date, so instead I will use the rest of this column to help them adjust to life outside of Louisiana. So when they come to Auburn this Saturday, they can have a good time without acting like a bunch of, well, like a bunch of LSU fans.
How to Act Outside of Baton RougeAn LSU fan’s guide to civilization
Unlike Louisiana, the legal blood-alcohol limit in other states is not half-n-half, so think moderation. When your sister starts to look attractive, make the switch to soft drinks, quickly. (If you are married to your sister, please disregard)
Gumbo is not a finger food
Just because the goat did not say “no”, doesn’t make it consensual
None of our wives are for sale, so don’t ask
Not everyone likes to share a commode
If you have to urinate in public, make sure to –
Forget it, this will never work. You people are going to come to Auburn, act like raging lunatics, get beat, and leave a smell that we won’t be able to get rid of for weeks. Nothing I write can stop that, I doubt you can even read. But if by chance you can read, or if your parole officer is reading this to you, please don’t use your Cajun voodoo on our kicker again, that just isn’t fair.
"By the time we had left the swamps and reached those rolling hills near Baton Rouge, I was getting afraid that some rural rednecks might toss bombs at the bus. They love to attack vehicles, which are a symbol of progress..." Ignatius J. Reilly discussing LSU fans Click to expand...
