...from an Illinois Illini message board: The 11 Types of College Sports Message Board Posters. 1. John Wooden. The Xs and Os guy who thinks he's the only one on the board who knows what a pick and roll is. Quote: "The reason Wisconsin always get so many foul shots at home is because our inverted swing offense puts opposing players in defensive situations they aren't accustomed to...dumbass. Maybe if you ever played organized basketball you would understand this." Natural habitat: Iowa City, Champaign, Madison, Lawrence 2. Odysseus. The "classy backstabber." Makes every compliment backhanded. Quote: "Hey guys, congrats on winning the Big Ten from a Spartan fan, even though it was clearly a foul, and your title will always have a asterisk, and your mom's a dirty whore. See you in Indianapolis!!!" Natural habitat: Madison, East Lansing 3. Blanche DuBois. The pathetic faded debutante holding on to past glory. Quote: "Putting on the Indiana uniform is a greater honor that winning three Nobel Prizes and sleeping with Britney Spears in the same night Natural habitat: Bloomington, Lawrence, Chapel Hill 4. Fox Mulder. The conspiracy theorist. Quote: "Obviously ESPN is controlled by a secret cabal of Duke grads. I mean, Digger Phelps and Dick Vitale are both 33rd level Freemasons. Put it together, people." Natural habitat: Champaign...everybody else is in on it. 5. The Voice of the People. The person who always tries to get people to e-mail members of the media to tell them how much we hate them; and why, therefore, they should say nicer things about us. Quote: "Here is Terry Boers' e-mail.e-mail the Score and tell them what a bunch of effing morons they are for not devoting four hours a day to Illini athletics. We need to get the Chicago media behind us!" Natural habitat: Champaign, Iowa City 6. The Invisible Hand. The person who claims to have intimate connections with coaches, players and recruits. Often creepy. Quote: "I don't want to give away my sources, but I can state with absolute certainty that Shaun Livingston ate corn within the past 24 hours." Natural habitat: Durham, Lawrence, East Lansing 7. The Fanboy. The seventh grader on his dad's computer. Quote: HEY GUY DON'T YOU THINK PEIRRE PIERCE SHOULD BE TEH BIG TEN POY!!?!??? HE IS TEH SHIZNIT!?!?!? Natural habitat: Iowa City, Champaign, Ann Arbor 8. Sister Mother Superior. The grammar police, who tries to win arguments by pointing out spelling errors. Often replies using larger than necessary words to show linguistic dominance. Hilarity usually ensues. Quote: "Perhaps I would take "you're" [sic] arguments more seriously, were you to more rigorously adhere to the syntactical rules of the mother tongue. As it is, your (notice how it's spelt) ruminations leave me nonplussed." Natural enemy of: The Fanboy. Natural habitat: Ubiquitous 9. The CyberLawyer. The person who takes message board arguments way too seriously. Quote: "If you believe that Devin Harris is better than Deron Williams, please state ten distinct reasons. Cite carefully following Bluebook format. Any failure to comply with these rules will result in me winning. If you use statistics, please include standard deviation figures for each category." Natural habitat: Madison, Champaign, Iowa City 10. Keyser Sose. The classic hit-and-run artist who gets a password three days before the big game, flaps incessantly, then disappears, never to be seen again. Quote: "Ten Reasons Missouri will beat Illinois:" Natural habitat: Missouri 11. Rodney Dangerfield. The person who believes that any failure of anyone else to conform to their own rose-colored view evinces a lack of respect for themselves, the program and the United States of America as a whole. Quote: "It's disgusting that the Big Ten coaches didn't put Greg Brunner on the first team. Obviously they don't know anything about basketball.it's a slap in the face to all of us." Natural habitat: Ubiquitous
