Discussion in 'The Tiger's Den' started by VT Sucks, Jan 30, 2004.
That has to be out there somewhere now.
"Willie Williams in Bayou Country"
by Boo Dann
"As soon as I got off the plane I knew this place was different," said prep star Willie Williams. "There were signs all over the place that said, 'Geaux LSU.' I thought, man these people can play football but they sure can't spell. I mean, even a retard knows how to spell 'go.'
Coach Saban met me at the airpport and told me we was gonna go eat. I was like, yeah man, cause I'm hungry. The he says, 'Willie, you ready to suck some heads?' And I'm like, hey mo fo, I don't need a scholarship that bad. I ain't no queer, man, and I ain't sucking nobody. You can let me out of this damn car right now.' Coach just laughed, and said he was talking about eating crawfish. Whew, man that was scary.
So anyway, we pull up in front of this restaurant that said "Seafood" on the outside, and I'm like, 'yeah man' cause I'm about to get me some lobster. I love lobster. So we go inside, and I didn't even have to order my food cause when we sit down the waitress says, "Honey, I'm gonna bring your food out right now. But they don't put no bib on me for the lobster. Instead, she starts spreading newspaper all over the table. I thought maybe it was all the stories from my football games, you know, like they wanted me to know they knew all about me. But I tried reading some of the stories and, best I could tell, they wasn't about nothing.
Anyway, she brings out the food, and I swear I'm looking at the smallest freaking lobsters I've ever seen. They look like somebody tried to cook them in a microwave or something and they all shrunk, little tiny lobsters about the size of my thumb. But at least they brought out plenty of them, so I didn't wanna say nothing. I figured maybe Coach Saban didn't have a large recruiting budget, so these little lobsters was all he could afford. They tasted good, though. But I got to be honest, I was not exactly feeling like King Tut at that moment."
Well anyway, we finished lunch and Coach Saban said we was gonna go to his house. I was all like, 'Damn, you know he got a fine crib. I mean, I seen Shaq's crib on TV and it was a mansion. And Shaq wasnt even a coach here, just a player. So I'm expecting this dope crib. And we pull up to his house, and I ain't saying it was a dump or nothing, but it was just a regular house, you know? Like them people on "The Simple Life."
Anyway, we go inside and he pulls out a VCR, and I'm like, 'Oh yeah, baby, that's what I'm talking about! We gonna watch some porn!" But instead he puts in a videotape of an LSU football game. That was a disappointment. I got to tell you, Willie Jr. was all set for some Jenna Jameson action, and here we are watching a football game that's already been played. It was so boring, I took a nap.
After the videotape, Coach Saban told me he was gonna take me to my hotel, and I was like, 'Oh yeah, baby' cause I know that means some lovely LSU ladies are gonna be waiting for me in my room.
The whole ride over to the hotel I'm thinking about macking on some senoritas. But when I got to my room there weren't no senoritas. Either they got lost trying to find my room, or Coach Saban kept them for himself. That ain't right, man. I'm a highly rated recruit, and I'm supposed to get women and stuff. I was so upset I was gonna steal the TV, but they had the damn thing bolted down! What do they think, we're all thieves or something?
This trip is not turning out like I'd hoped. They better slip me some hard cash tomorrow, or I'm gonna consider this trip a waste of time. By the way, the hotel was like this really fine place, way better than a house. I wrote down the name so I'd be sure to remember it, but now I can't find the piece of paper. I think it was spelled "D-A-Y-S I-N-N."
I stayed up all night in my hotel room just staring at the door. I just knew some LSU senoritas were gonna come walking in any minute, but they never did. I mean, what's up with that? Willie got needs!
Anyway, I got dressed and went downstairs to the lobby to wait for Coach Saban. I was surprised to see the President of Auburn University in the lobby. I remembered him from my visit to Auburn, when I met all them farmer girls.
I said, "Wus sup, homey?" He seemed all uncomfortable, ya know? He starts looking all around, and sweating real bad. I said, "Homeboy, what you doing here? And why you so nervous? You mo' nervous than an eight year old boy trapped at Neverland Ranch." I was just messing with him. He say, "Willie, I am not here to offer the Auburn head coaching position to Nick Saban." And I go, "I ain't said you was," And he say, "Well I ain't. Aren't. Am not. I mean I am not!" All flustered, like he was doing something wrong.
He took off real fast, before I could even tell him about how they bolt down the TVs in the hotel rooms. Well, Coach Saban finally got there and tells me we gonna drive over to see Tiger Stadium.
Coach has got this real fine ride, a 2004 Escalade. I'm all like, "Hey coach, I could use me on of these, you know?" Being real smooth and subtle. I guess he got the message, but he didn't say nothing. He just looked at me and said, Willie, Willie, Willie," while he was shaking his head from side to side. That could have been code for "What color would you like?" but I'm not real sure.
Anyway, we got to Tiger Stadium and coach tells me it's called "Death Valley." I'm a little freaked out by that cause I know everybody in this state is in to Voodoo. I'm like, "Whoa, man, I ain't going into no place called Death Valley. I heard about you people and Voodoo. Coach just laughed.
So we went in the stadium, and all of a sudden I see all these campus security cops making a big commotion. Me and coach walked over to see what all the fuss was about, and one of them told coach they had just found sound dude named Fat Phil Fulmer hiding in some bushes with a camera and a tape recorder. I have no idea what that was about, and I didn't even ask. Coach seemed real upset by it, though.
Well after they hauled that fat man off, Coach hands me this real nice LSU jersey with my name and number on it, and says they want me to run through the tunnel out on to the field like I would do if I played for LSU.
He said they was gonna put smoke in the tunnel to make it just like a before a real game, but I didn't want to run in no smoke. I didn't want that stuff to get in my eyes. Coach said to just close my eyes, but I was afraid I'd run in to the wall or something. Plus, I was still thinking about voodoo and zombies, and to tell you the truth, I didn't want to close my eyes in there.
So I say to Coach Saban, "Look, you been real nice and all, but this ain't working out. I don't think this place is for me. No women, no cars, no cash, and you feed me them little freaking lobsters. I'm going back home, Coach."
Coach Saban said something about a great education, great tradition, great teammates, and the greatest fans in the world, but by that time I was already thinking about my next recruiting trip. "Fo shizzle my nizzle, ya'll, cause Willie's back in business!"
Texastigers, this was a joke. This guy has a "Recruiting diary" and talks about his visits. They are rather humorous and have become popular and people are now making spoofs of them.
Yeh I already deleted it, I quit after the first sentence all pissed off.
Sorry A touch of ADD there...
Haha, its all good Texastigers.
I did a Willie Williams goes to Alabama
Willie Williams Journal