FIFTH ANNUAL TREATISE ON WHY OLE MISS SUCKS 1) They're a bunch of pretentious redneck retards. Contrary to the popular belief in Oxford, J. Crew gear and centerpieces do NOT give you elegance. It's like putting lipstick and a prom dress on a pig. You still have a pig, not a homecoming queen. That's even true in Oxfart, where it would be an improvement over most homecoming queens. 2) Rebels have a grossly inflated opinion of themselves. The biggest example their honest belief that they're the world tailgating champions. That's just nuts! Their idea of tailgating is hanging a chandelier in the Grove, eating catered food off fine china, and finding a fantabulous centerpiece for their table. That's tailgating?? You'd think they could use some of that interior decorating skill to spruce up Port-A-Vaught Stadium, but I digress. If you really want to test their claim to be the best tailgaters, play a quick game of word association: Ole Miss. Did you think "tailgating"? No. You thought "race riot". 3) Speaking of race riots, their last conference title came when James Meredith was still a student and the team was still all white. In other words, no conference titles "SINCE INTEGRATION". 4) Ole Maid put its lack of class on full display with its treatment of David Cutcliffe. When they were looking for a new coach after Ears skedaddled out of town, Eli was a senior in high school and trying to decide on a college. So the Weebles hired Cutcliffe, a quarterback guru highly regarded by the Mannings. The ploy worked and Eli went to Ole Miss. But it wasn't a good-faith hire. The Rebs waited for Eli to graduate, then fired Cut just one year later. Nice people, huh? Then, after an exhaustive national search, Ole Metrosexual settled on a missing link named Ed Orgeron, who is best known for ripping his shirt off at his first team meeting. Did he justify the coaching change? HAHA! He lost to Vandy, Wyoming, and Mississippi State in his first season, and ten games into his second season he has just four wins against I-A teams. I guess Bay Bay can't beat anybody except his girlfriend. 5) In fairness, you do have to give a new coach a chance. Ole Wish fans think the O will turn things around because he's a great recruiter. Just look at his first recruiting class--15 of 29 are still in Oxford. Hmmm...maybe they better stop worrying about a fence around Memphis and build one around their own campus. But at least they can get some transfers. Their big transfer this season is Brent Schaefer. Where have I heard that name before? Oh yeah! He's the guy who couldn't beat Erik Ainge and Rick Clausen on the depth chart at Tennessee. And he's the savior of their program?? They had to settle for Schaefa when they couldn't get Lester Ricard. A few weeks after Katrina, Bay Bay had one of his assistants call a Tulane assistant and ask how he and his family were doing. Then O took the phone and said "The real reason I'm calling is I heard you might be dropping football and I wanted to get a head start on some of your players." I don't know which is worse--being a sleazy vulture or being desperate enough to poach players from a program that hasn't had a winning Conference USA record since 1998. 6) The Tigers went through some lean times a few years ago. But Ole Myth was a good cure for our ills. 1987-99 was the worst era in LSU history. During that period, the Weebles still won only 6 of the 13 games. Put another way, they had a sub-.500 record against the Archmannardo brain trust. Speaking of Archmannardo, Vandy had a 2-2 record against the Rebels when Dumbardo was coaching in Nashville. 7) 5 of the 6 West teams have appeared in the SEC Championship game. Guess which one hasn't made the trip? Nope, not Mississippi State--even Jackie the Clown went to Atlanta. That's right, the weebles. This in spite of having Vanderbilt as a permanent East opponent. The only time they came close was 2003, when Eli fell on his ass and their hopes died. They settled for their first division co-championship and hung a banner for it. They HUNG A BANNER for something Gerry Dinardo accomplished twice. 8) The Manning Legacy? Sucking. The Mannings played 11 seasons in the SEC. Only Peyton ever won the conference, and he had to go to Tennessee to do it. Archie never even made the playoffs in the pros. As far as the SEC, Peyton's sons will go to Tennessee and I wouldn't count on Eli having any sons, if you know what I mean. But don't worry Ole Piss fans!! Cooper's son will arrive on campus in 2020, meaning every Lincoln Financial broadcast will make 5,000 references to the Manning Legacy and show Archie with his stupid yellow headphones after every down. 9) The Hotty Toddy cheer. Who the hell thinks this "Toddy" guy's a "hotty"? Does that have something to do with Ole Wuss fraternity hazing?? And the "gosh amighty" and "who the hell are we" parts sound like an 8-year-old trying out his first cuss words. 10) They think it's the 1850s. While the administration has disavowed Dixie, the rebel flag, and Colonel Reb, the fans are still pitching a hissy fit over the loss of their Old South "traditions". I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Southerners taking pride in their heritage, but there are literally hundreds of Southern schools that don't feel the need to base their entire identity on the antebellum period. But I guess you can't blame them. If I lived in an armpit of a town like Oxford, and I went to a school whose athletic legacy was a century of futility, I'd pretend it was the ancient past too. The rest of us--who actually did something worth noting since the War Between the States--have moved on. 11) Hypersensitive fans. Before an LSU-Ole Miss game a few years ago, a bunch of Ole Miss fans started their inane chant, and I did my parody (Hotty Toddy Gosh Amighty, where did Ole Miss play? Flim flam bim bam BLUE GRAY by damn!) The Weeble fan sitting next to me immediately gave me a ticket for a seat five sections away, which I accepted since it was a better seat. Then, in the fourth quarter, I yelled "Eli Sucks" instead of "Kick their @$$" after a Tiger first down, and the Reb behind me kicked me in the back. 12) Complete lack of imagination. "Go to Hell State"? "Go to Hell LSU"? How original. I guess they're rubber and we're glue. 13) Ole Mrs. suckdom isn't limited to football. The last time their baseball team won a game in Omaha, their star player was a third baseman named Archie Manning. And their basketball team has never won the conference. Not once in over 70 years. But as bad as they are in sports, they're even worse in the classroom. A 16 on the ACT gets you into Ole Miss. That's not a typo. SIXTEEN!! You need a 17 for NCAA eligibility. OK, you need a little more than a 16 to get into Ole Priss. You also need a 2.5 GPA. 14) The Walk of Champions? Better hope the truth-in-advertising people don't find out about that. Which of these does not belong: Alaska-Fairbanks, Baylor, Boise State, Bowling Green, CCNY, Eastern Kentucky, Furman, Holy Cross, James Madison, Michigan Tech, Minnesota-Duluth, Montana State, Northern Iowa, Ole Miss, Rice, Southern Illinois-Edwardsville, Temple, Tulane, Wayne State, or William & Mary? The answer: Ole Miss, because this is a list of teams that have won a Division I national championship in something.
