Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive." ** Two fish swim into a wall. One says to the other, "Dam!" ** A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." ** A sandwich walks into a bar. "I'm sorry," the bartender says, " but we don't serve food in here." ** "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." Ba du dun.
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" Then man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance... :hihi:
What is the 1st thing a women does after a battered womens' meeting? Cooks dinner if she knows what is good for her.:hihi: Ladies dont attack me for that one, I heard it the other day from a women.
There were two cows standing in a field. One cow says to the other, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why should I be? I'm a chicken!" A cop saw a car driving erratically and pulled the driver over. "Sir, I need you to breath in this breathalizer for me," said the policeman. The guy said, "I can't do that, office. I'm an asthmatic. If I do that, then I'll have a really big asthma attack." The cop said, "Okay, then I need you to come down to the station with me and we'll do some blood work." The guy said, "I can't do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If I do that, then I will bleed to death." The cop said, "Fine. Then I need a urine sample from you." The guy replied, "I can't do that either. I'm diabetic. If I do that then my sugar will get REALLY LOW and I may die." The cop then said, "Okay, okay! Then I need you to step out of the car and walk this white line." The guy said, "Sorry, but I can't do that either." The frustrated cop said, "Why not!?" The guy said, "Because I'm drunk." A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
The vacation season is upon us. Here's a suggestion for the concerned traveler: (click for a larger version) View attachment 9070
One for the ladies: > SHORT STORY > > Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road... They pass each other.. The woman yells out the window, PIG! Man yells back out window, B I T C H! Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. Thought for The Day: If only men would listen........