Father / Daughter talk A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?” She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.” Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.” The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!” The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the conservative side of the fence.”
There was a man in New York who loved LSU football, but had never had a chance to see the Tigers play in Death Valley. He saved all of his money for a few years for travel expenses, food, a room, and a ticket to Alabama vs. LSU. He gets down to Baton Rouge for gameday and is awestruck. Watches the band from Victory Hill and goes from tailgate to tailgate, sampling the goods, and drinking bourbon. He gets into Death Valley, and realizes his seat is terrible. It's in the visitor's section and he really can't see anything because he is right at the top of the lower bowl in the endzone. He looks around at the full capacity crowd and notices a 50 yard line seat that is empty, so he figures what the hell, and starts to head that way. He gets down to the empty seat, and asks the gentleman sitting to the left of the seat if the seat is taken... The gentleman says, "no it's my wife's seat, but she died, go ahead and have a seat" the statement kind of humbled the New York LSU fan for a minute, and he was very grateful, but couldn't resist asking the gentleman "sir, I hate to ask you this, but I am very curious, this is a great seat, you didn't have a brother, or cousin, sister or friend who could occupy this seat?" and the gentleman said "nope, they are all at the funeral". Geaux Tigers.
On a tour of America, the Pope took a couple of days to visit the Gulf Coast. His Pope-Mobile was driving along the Louisiana coast when there was an enormous commotion ahead off the shoreline. His group rushed over to see what it was, and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed that just beyond the surf was a hapless man wearing an Alabama football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a huge 20 foot shark! At that moment a purple and gold speedboat containing three men wearing LSU attire roared into view. In a flash, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its back, paralyzing it instantly. The other two quickly reached out with poles and and pulled the Bama fan from the water and then proceeded to beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty departure when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue, saying, "Gentlemen, I give you my eternal blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard that you Cajuns were a prideful, xenophobic group who disliked or even despised other SEC schools, especially hating fans from Alabama. Now, however, I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true. You are truly an enlightened example of kindness and generosity which could certainly serve as a model for many other peoples." He blessed them all once again and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was dat?!" "Dat there," one answered, "was His Holiness, da Pope. Dey say he's in direct contact with God, in all his wisdom." "Well hmmmmph," the harpoonist replied, "he sure don't know nuthin bout shark fishing. Anyway, how's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
An ugly man walks into his local bar one night with a big grin on his face. "you look happy" says the barman. The ugly guy replies, "Well, you know I walk home across the railroad tracks, right? Well, last night I left here and as I'm crossing the tracks I saw this woman tied to the rails, just like in one of them old films, so I untied her and took her back to my place. What a night! We did everything, her on top, me on top, from behind, everything, it was brilliant" The bar man says "you lucky old sod, was she nice looking?"......."Actually, I dunno, I didn't find the head".
Three Scottish ladies were walking on the beach and saw a man up ahead, just looking out over the water. As they got closer they realized he had neither arms nor legs. When beside him, the first lady asked, "Laddie have ye every been hugged?" The man replied "No" and he received a real hug, for which he was grateful. The second lady said, "Laddie, have you ever been kissed?" Again, the answer was no, and the lady planted a big ole sloppy kiss right on the lips. The man could not have been happier. The third lady stepped up and said, "Laddie, have ye ever been FOOKED?" The reply, was "No ma'am, and I just can't wait." To which the lady replied, "Aye, laddie, it won't be long now, the tide, she's a coming in."
A 90 plus year old elderly couple is on their honeymoon. The old man gets undressed and lies in the bed. The old lady comes out the bathroom in a sexy see thru gown. She says, " now before we do anything, I have to tell you, I have acute angina." The old man replies, " good damn thing, cause that's the ugliest titties I ever seen."
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row." "Where are you from?" The man replied, " New Brunswick ." "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney." "She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three(3) things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
I know it is old and who knows if it is true or not but it is damn sure funny. Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix: The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped it’s pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. ( Gary ) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks that pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires that were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie. (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. ( Gary ) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F—ING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!" (Rebecca) *******. ( Gary ) Bitch (Rebecca) F__CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! ( Gary ) Go drink some tea - whore. (TEACHER) A+ I really liked this one.
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." Luv Ya, MAMA
