Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by Luv4LSU, May 31, 2007.

  1. houtiger

    houtiger Founding Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2003
    Messages:
    4,287
    Likes Received:
    390
    Two drunk coonasses in the town bar, late at night, during the winter.

    First one leaves, walks past cemetery, sees a newly dug grave with a big mound of dirt on the side. He walks over to inspect, slips and falls in flat on his back, and he can't get up.

    Second drunk leaves the bar, walks the same direction, and when he gets close to the cemetery, he hears somebody calling "Help me, I'm cold, Help me, I'm cold!".

    He sees the newly dug grave and walks over. He looks down and sees this guy laying in there, on his back and calling out.

    He looks down and says "Man, no wonder you cold, you done kicked all your dirt off!!!"




    Edited: that joke is OLD, probably at least 30 years. The man that told me Red's joke about Nookie Green has been dead for 30 years now! Its amazing how this stuff stays around.
     
  2. Nutriaitch

    Nutriaitch Fear the Buoy

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2005
    Messages:
    11,503
    Likes Received:
    2,763
    Cajun Math Test



    A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

    Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

    "Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

    "What's this?" the boss asks

    "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

    "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

    The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

    The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

    "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

    The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

    The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

    The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

    The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."





    "So, when I start?"
     
  3. Luv4LSU

    Luv4LSU Founding Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2006
    Messages:
    666
    Likes Received:
    106
    Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died,
    Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

    So, he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted
    a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

    "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her,
    "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit
    over 20 million dollars."


    The woman went home with Robert, and four days
    later she became his stepmother.

    :dis:
     
  4. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2002
    Messages:
    45,195
    Likes Received:
    8,733
    St. Peter was working the gates of heaven, as usual, when a man walked up. "I need to write down the circumstances of your death before you can be admitted", St. Peter explained.

    "No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!"

    The man paused to collect his thoughts. "Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. In a rage, I went back inside and pushed the refrigerator out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

    St. Peter announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

    A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was none other than Donald Trump himself. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear the circumstances of your death."

    Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

    But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

    As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

    St. Peter is chuckling to himself as Trump finishes his story. "Very well," he announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

    A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. St.Peter is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination pour through his head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me how you died."

    Clinton says, "Well, I don't know. I was naked, sitting inside a refrigerator, minding my own business ..."
     
  5. geauxgeauxhon

    geauxgeauxhon blah blah blah

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2007
    Messages:
    1,113
    Likes Received:
    255
    Back when I was at LSU, game week with Texas A&M featured Aggie Joke Day at Free Speech Alley.

    Good times.

    In that spirit:

    An Aggie student is doing an experiment with a frog. He wants to see how far the frog jumps each time he cuts off a leg.

    The Aggie student cuts off one of the frogs legs and says, "Jump froggy." The frog jumps. He records in is notebook, froggy with three legs jumps thirty feet.

    Then he cuts off a second leg and says, "Jump froggy." He writes down in his notebook, froggy with two legs jumps twenty feet.

    Then he cuts off its third leg and says, "Jump froggy." He writes down in his notebook, froggy with one leg jumps ten feet.

    Then he cuts off its last leg and says, "Jump froggy." The frog just sits there. The Aggie says again, "Jump froggy!" But the frog just sits there. Finally, he writes in his notebook, froggy with no legs can't hear.
     
    2 people like this.
  6. BamaBengalTiger

    BamaBengalTiger Geaux Tigers !!!!!

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2005
    Messages:
    688
    Likes Received:
    80
    The Genie

    A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the
    window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

    The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

    A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

    'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

    'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
    thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

    'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
    life.'

    'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you,
    young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

    'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

    'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

    'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

    'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

    The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'


    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

    'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

    'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

    'NO ****.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. Mr. Peabody

    Mr. Peabody Founding Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2003
    Messages:
    3,061
    Likes Received:
    141
    From today's e-mail inbox:

    >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

    Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

    I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.

    "My loving wife of twenty years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that ****?"




    I still don't know if she was joking....
     
  8. ccgw

    ccgw luv'em Tigers

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2003
    Messages:
    2,517
    Likes Received:
    205
    Hi,
    I would like to share with you a joke someone sent to me. It's a good one!


    Subject: How to handle irritating seatmates in an airplane

    If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow
    these instructions:

    1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

    2. Remove your laptop.

    3. Start up

    4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the
    screen.

    5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move
    your lips like you are praying .

    6. Then hit this link:
    http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf
     
  9. ccgw

    ccgw luv'em Tigers

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2003
    Messages:
    2,517
    Likes Received:
    205
    A Page from a Romance Novel

    >> One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
    >> aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
    >>
    >> He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
    >> back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
    >> Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
    >> over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her
    >> waist.
    >>
    >> He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
    >> His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing
    >> then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to
    >> do the same to her right thigh.
    >>
    >> By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
    >> better position herself.
    >>
    >> The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
    >>
    >> "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
    >>
    >> He whispered back, " I found the remote!"
    >>
     
    1 person likes this.
  10. orlandotiger

    orlandotiger GEAUX TIGERS!

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2004
    Messages:
    3,925
    Likes Received:
    610
    > Just couldn't resist sending this one. . . . . . .
    >
    > Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we never had any problems."
    >
    > "Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on."
    >
    > She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
    >
    > Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
    >
    > Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine."
    >
    > He did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
    >
    > Karen said "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart azz attitude, you never will."
    >
    > And they lived happily ever after.
     

Share This Page