THE ALAMO I'm pretty sure this is how it went down. On that fateful day, March 6, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said. "Jim, are we landscaping today?"
I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "OK, then, which one ARE you?" :rofl::rofl::rofl:
One day a father gets out off work and on his way home He remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95 The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19..95?" The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends."
Halfway there.................................. A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure? "The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No............. It's turned black."
Three SEC football fans were out for a ride when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, passed out drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the LSU fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The UGA fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the Bama fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part. The police were called and when the first officer arrived, he conducted his investigation. First he lifted up the LSU cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the UGA cap and replaced it, writing down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Bama cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time. The Bama fan was becoming annoyed and asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer, "I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Bama cap... you find an *******."
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was another Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and, as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. 'I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag who got what he deserved' and he yelled back that 'Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing, liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive. 'So I said that 'Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!' He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!' And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.
Stuttering A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! 'That must've been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff,Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'F*CK,' the rottweiler ate him
