One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . .. . A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dum founded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching." Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men..... are men
I know that Blonde. She just took me washer and dryer, and couch, fridge, dining table, bed, and Ford Explorer. But hey, I got the first and second mortgage.:sob:
Got this in a text message earlier today... How do you stop a Notre Dame fan from masturbating? You paint his dick purple & gold cause he'll never beat it.
"One day a lady met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on her birthday, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the countryside she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than she could stand. With miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home, so she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, she made sure that she released all the gas. Upon her arrival, her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the dinner table. She took a seat and just as he was about to remove her blindfold, the telephone rang.He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin from her lap and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, she ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, She went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she quickly fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with herself. Her face was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked her if she had peeked through the blindfold, and she assured him she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" She fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. (ouch) What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe." How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..." Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
This was written by a dude...but it's still pretty smart. Girls--have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least the b!tch knows I'm smarter than her.
ALABAMA Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" Inquired Michael still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant. "I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's ALABAMA -- the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests. The people from ALABAMA are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving and they will be known, loved and respected throughout the world." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Birmingham."
Impossible to Please A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
i dont have a joke, but i was just thinking about how when i was a kid, and i would say something like "there is a fly on my sandwich", my dad would always reply with "don't worry, he won't eat much." oh man did i love when he said that, that is funny stuff.
