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New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

    The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
     
  2. mctiger

    mctiger Kenny HIlliard, Beast Staff Member

    During a recent password audit by our company, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
    MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
    When asked why such a big password, she said she was told it had to be at least 8 characters.
     
  3. LSUMASTERMIND

    LSUMASTERMIND Veteran Member

    It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

    Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can

    leave early today."
    Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
    Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
    Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
    Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
    Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
    Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
    Johnny is even madder than before.
    Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
    Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
    Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the

    questions.

    When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b****** would keep their mouths shut!?

    The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
    Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?
     
    gyver likes this.
  4. Krypto

    Krypto Huh?

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
     
  5. BamaBengalTiger

    BamaBengalTiger Geaux Tigers !!!!!

    Colt and Tebow.

    Friday, January 8, 2010; 7:56 am cst
    Dear Colt,

    I told you they hit hard.

    Yours truly,

    Tim Tebow



    Thursday, January 8, 2010; 10:38 pm pst

    Dear Tim,

    I took your advice & quit before they made me cry on national television.

    Thanks,

    Colt
     
  6. Kurtis Bleaux

    Kurtis Bleaux Freshman

    The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady came in and asked for a seven ten cap.

    We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
    She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one."


    "What kind of a car is it on," they asked? Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?"
    She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.
    "What does it do?," we asked. She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."


    One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she writes 710.


    The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it ... and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.
    One guy said, "I think you want an oil cap." She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so damned funny about it."


    Yes, she was a blonde.


    Note: If you read "710" upside down.... it is spells OIL!!
     
  7. Kurtis Bleaux

    Kurtis Bleaux Freshman

    One time there was two farmers that lived out on the road to Carico. They was always good friends, and Bill's oldest boy had been a-sparking one of Sam's daughters. Everything was going fine till the morning they met down by the creek, and Sam was pretty goddam mad. "Bill," says he, "from now on I don't want that boy of yours to set foot on my place."

    "Why, what's he done?" asked the boy's daddy.

    "He pissed in the snow, that's what he done, right in front of my house!"

    But surely, there ain't no great harm in that," Bill says.

    "No harm!" hollered Sam. "Hell's fire, he pissed so it spelled Lucy's name, right there in the snow!"

    "The boy shouldn't have done that," says Bill. "But I don't see nothing so terrible bad about it."

    "Well, by God, I do!" yelled Sam. "There was two sets of tracks! And besides, don't you think I know my own daughter's handwriting?"
     
    gyver likes this.
  8. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

    One day in the Garden of Eden Eve told Adam, "I think we should see other people"
     
  9. Nutriaitch

    Nutriaitch Fear the Buoy

    a lady was home alone one day when a man knocked on her door.
    naturally, she answered

    "do you have a vagina?" the man asked
    she slammed the door in his face and went about her business.

    next day, same thing happened. knock on door, man asks "do you have a vagina?"

    so she decides to tell her husband about it.
    he says "i'll stay home form work tomorrow and hide behind the door if he come back. answer the man, and see what happens. I'll be right here to protect you if he tries anything."

    so the next day they wait. sure enough, the guy comes back

    "do you have a vagina?"

    "of course i do!" she responds

    "well then tell your husband to quit phucking my wife!!"
     
  10. bayareatiger

    bayareatiger If it's too loud YOU'RE TOO OLD

    A young bull and old bull were at the top of a hill, looking down upon a large herd of cows at the bottom of the hill.

    Young bull says to the old bull:

    "Let's run down the hill and eff one of those cows!"

    Old bull looks at the young bull and says:

    "Let's walk down the hill and eff 'em all"
     
    gyver likes this.

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