Marriage is a union. A union of heart, a union of soul, a union of minds, but wait till you have to pay those union dues.
A priest and a rabbi are on a flight together. The pilot's voice comes over the comm and sez, "Folks, I have some bad news. We've lost both of our engines and we're going down. There's no way we're going to survive this." The priest looks at the rabbi and sez, "So since we're going to die, I'm curious. Have you ever broken the rule not to eat pork?" The rabbi nods and replies, "Yes, once years ago I was at a family reunion. My family's not all Jewish, so there was some ham there I accidentally ate. Didn't realize it till after the fact. Since we're on the subject, have you ever broken your vow of chastity?" The priest nods. "Yeah, once awhile back when I was newly ordained I went to a high school reunion. Ran into an old flame, one thing led to another, you know. It just happened." The rabbi smiles and says, "Beats the hell outta ham, doesn't it?"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to wait for the bartender. He notices a tiny man, no more than two feet tall, playing a piano next to the bar. He also notices what appears to be a magic lamp set on the bar. The bartender arrives, and the man asks, "What's with this lamp?" The bartender replies, "Oh, it grants wishes. Try it out." So the man grabs the lamp, rubs it, and yells, "I'd like a million bucks!" Immediately, a million ducks appear in the bar, creating havoc. The man looks at the bartender and exclaims, "What's the deal?! I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!" The bartender shrugs and replies, "You think I asked for a 22-inch pianist?
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A LONG ONE. A man walks into a bar and finds a man playing a simply gorgeous piece of music on the bar's piano. Impressed, he approaches the pianist and asks, "That song is great. Did you write that?" The pianist smiles and replies, "Yes sir I did." "What's it called?" "Well," the pianist replies, "it's called 'Every Time I Screw My Wife She Barks Like a Dog'." Perplexed, the man says, "Good grief. Why'd you call it that?" "All my music is named in this manner." The man shrugs and says, "Well no matter. I have to organize a wedding reception for my nephew this weekend, and I could use a good piano-player. If you come and play like this I'll pay you a thousand bucks." The pianist agrees. The night of the reception, the pianist is playing awfully. His music is discordant and melancholy. The man from the bar approaches, disappointed, and asks, "What's the problem? You were playing beautifully the other night!" The pianist, with a sad look, says, "Well, my sex life hasn't been very good lately." "Well go into the bathroom, do what you gotta do, and come back here and play good or I'm not paying you!" So the pianist goes to the bathroom, does the deed, and returns and he's playing just fine. Meanwhile, a woman approaches the piano and says to the man, "Sir, do you know your shirt's untucked, your zipper's down and you've got semen dripping down your pant-leg?" The pianist looks up. "Know it?! I wrote it!"
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
dave chappelle in his prime was unmatched brilliance: "how did you know i was gonna get chicken?" "all these years i thought i liked chicken because it is delicious"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch." The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?" Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.' Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?' Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .' And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
