An Irish Funeral A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."
There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies. When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre. When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off. When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.'' He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point. They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down. ''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers. Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down. Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU.There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... .....but I like your thinking."
Six golden rules for f***ing: 1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better. 2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body. 3. F***ing refreshes you 4. After F***ing don't eat too much; go for more liquids. 5. F***ing can even reduce stress & your cholesterol level. SO, REMEMBER 6. Fishing is good for your health.
I was supposed to be on Jeopardy this week but they kicked me off the show. I tested positive for brain enhancing drugs
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy? " The guy says, "I'm from Iowa. " The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa? " The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist. " The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist? " The guy says, "I mount animals. " The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
