Guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm, and says "How do you like my pig." His wife says, "Dumbass that is a duck." The husband replies, "Bitch, I wasn't talking to you." What do you call a black man in space? An astronaut, you racist.
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put it on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?' Customer says, 'Female.' Counter guy asks, 'Black or white? Customer says, 'White' Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?' Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?' Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food? Neither have they. How do you tell if an Ethiopian is rich? He is the one wearing a Rolex around his waist.
The worlds greatest hypnotist is up in front of several thousand people who showed up at a theater to see his performance. He opens up his act by taking out his pocket watch which is dangling on a chain, swinging it back and forth and repeating the words "You are in my power" Within minutes he has the entire crowd in a deep trance. Suddenly he drops his watch and says "Shit!" It took over a week to clean up the mess.
A pharmaceutical truck was hijacked and robbed of several cases of Viagra. Police are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
A man dies and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asks him "What have you ever done to deserve being let into Heaven?" The man says "I saw a woman being threatened by a gang of bikers so I went up the the biggest biker and punched him in the face and then I kicked his bike over." St. Peters asked "How long ago did this happen?' Man: "About 2 minutes ago."
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, whowas surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..." Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."
Santa Claus got a visit from the IRS. They want him to explain the deduction for $200 Billion in gifts
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
