A guy takes his wife to a retro dance venue for her 40th birthday. Once inside they notice an older guy, on the floor gyrating and boogieing like crazy. The wife tells her husband that the fellow with all the moves once proposed to her when she was in her twenties, but she turned him down. The husband says, "Isn't that something." Wifey says, "What does that mean?" Husband says, "And he is still celebrating."
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel , medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work". The German doctor says: "that's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work". The Russian doctor says: "gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work". The United States doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
At my annual check-up, the nurse said that I had to stop masturbating. I asked, "Why?" She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you"
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
A deputy in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the deputy. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the Sheriff gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the deputy looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the Sheriff is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
What is the difference between "Iron Man" and "Iron Woman"? One is a superhero, the other is a command.
Two wives go for a girl's night out. Later that evening, the inebriated ladies started to walk home when they realized they had to pee. Both decided to stop at a cemetery to relieve themselves, but when finished they realized that they had nothing to use to wipe themselves. One of the ladies' incorporated her panties and the other one grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning the one husband called the other and said, " No more girls' night out… My wife came home with no panties!" The other husband said, " You think that's bad? My wife came back with a card between her legs that read, "From all of us at the fire department… We will never forget you!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... walk into a very fine restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group... "You can't come in here without a Thai."
