I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied.
A Woman was berating her husband about drinking beer. She screamed at him, “How many beers do you drink a day?” The poor fellow told her he drank about 3 beers a day. “And how much do you pay per beer?” his wife asked in a menacing tone. “Well about $5.00, but that does include the tip.” The winch continued, “ And how long have you been drinking?” “I guess about 20 years, I suppose” the husband said, somewhat sheepishly. By now the woman was wound up, “So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 ...correct?” I guess so, the man said softly. And she continued, “If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000. Is that correct?” At this point the husband had had enough, but he replied, “Yeah.” And she just kept going, “Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?” The man then asked, “Do you drink beer?” With indignation, his wife replied, “ No, of course not.” With a slow grin the man then asked, “Where's your Ferrari?”
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks? The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
If your buddy asks you to go fishing and you tell him "I'll have to ask my wives" You just might be a Mormon
If you're planning to die in a suicide bombing so you can get to paradise and you're hoping that your 72 virgins will all be goats, sheep and little boys, you just might be a Muslim
A missionary realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.
