New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.

    "Hmmm..", mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

    Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then
    snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side.

    The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his testicles still ached.

    The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?"

    The Doctor replied, "Well, I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
     
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  2. Swerved

    Swerved Schrödinger's cat is dead

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    After marrying a 22 year old filly, a 90 year old man told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. The old man was quite proud of his accomplishment and went on and on about it.

    "Let me tell you a story that may help here..", said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

    "That makes no sense! It's impossible!", the man exclaimed with a puzzled look. "Somebody else must have shot that bear.", he argued.

    "Exactly.", replied the doctor. :wave:
     
  3. stevescookin

    stevescookin Certified Who Dat

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    In a similar vein,

    A 90 year old man goes to confession and tells the priest that he sinned all night long in a hotel room with a 22 year old blonde and a 26 year old red head.

    And the priest interrupted and said, "...and you're truly repentant for this sin right?"

    To which the old man said "Not really."

    So the priest said, "you can't be forgiven without true repentance. Are you sorry?"

    "No" said the old man. so the priest said "You don't even understand what this is all about! Are you Catholic?"

    The man said "No , I'm Jewish".

    The priest said, "What is a 90year old Jewish man coming in here telling me all this then?".

    The old man said "Father, I'm telling EVERYBODY !!"
     
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  4. CDUB_TEAMKATT

    CDUB_TEAMKATT Freshman

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    Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died and went to heaven.

    When he got to heaven, God was showing him around.

    They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window.

    "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton," said God.

    "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

    Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the
    porch, he noticed another house up on a hill. It was a 3-story
    mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an
    enormous Saints logo flag, and in every window, a New Orleans Saints towel.

    Peyton looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I
    have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even
    went to the Hall of Fame."

    God said "So what's your point Peyton?"

    "Well, why does Drew Brees get a better house than me?"

    God chuckled, and said "Peyton, that's not Drew's house, it's mine."
     
  5. pharpe

    pharpe Founding Member

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    BEAR HUNTING

    John just bought a new rifle and he couldn’t wait to try it out. He decided he would try his hand at hunting bears. On his hunting trip, John spotted a small brown bear and shot it. A couple seconds after he shot, John felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing there. The black bear said, “That was my cousin you shot. You’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have sex.”

    After considering his options for a moment, John reluctantly decided to have sex with the bear. Even though he was sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed to get his revenge on the big black bear.

    John headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a big grizzly bear standing right next to him. The grizzly said, “You’ve made a big mistake, John. That black bear was my cousin and now you’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Once again, John agreed to the sex.

    John barely survived and it took several months for him to recover. He was determined to get his revenge on the grizzly. John headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. Finally, revenge was his, but then there was yet another tap on his shoulder! John turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him with a sneer and said, “Admit it, John, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”
     
  6. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    A peanut was walking down the street late one night in a bad neighborhood.

    He was asalted
     
  7. bayareatiger

    bayareatiger If it's too loud YOU'RE TOO OLD

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    A man employed at a gum factory fell into a vat of gum.

    His boss chewed him out.
     
  8. shane0911

    shane0911 Veteran Member Staff Member

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    What? Are you two nuts trying to get into the C'mon Man segment of the monday night espn pre-game show. Thats over guys. What the ef is next? White horse fell in the mud?:huh:
     
  9. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    Don't tease us shane. Post the punch line
     
  10. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    An Irishman walked out of a bar. Yeah, like that ever happened
     

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