A blind guy goes into a bar. He finds his way to a seat at the bar. He says "Hey, bartender, I'll have a beer. By the way, did you hear the one about the blond who..." "Just a minute! You happen to be in a lesbian biker bar I'm blond, the two big dykes on both sides of you are blond, and there are two coming up behind you with chains. Now, do you still want to tell the joke?" the bartender asks. The blind guys sighs and says "I guess not. I don't want to have to explain it five times."
When I was young, my mom could send me to a store with a single dollar, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, a pound of cheese and a dozen eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply too many security cameras.
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano and sounding pretty good. So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?” And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.” So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the sink fills up with whirled peas. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.” And the bartender’s, like, “No shit. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
A blond gets on a plane. The flight attendant asks her if she would prefer a window seat. She says, "I better not. I just got my hair done."
An Irishman, an Italian and a blond guy were ironworkers on the 50th story of a building under construction. At the lunch break the Irishman open his lunch box and says"Oh, no! Not corn beef and cabbage again!" If if have to eat corn beef and cabbage one more time I'm going to jump off this building." The Italian opens his lunch box: "Damn! Spaghetti and meat balls again! I'm sick of it. If I have to eat spaghetti and meatballs again I'm jumping off this building." The blond guy opens his lunchbox. "Baloney sandwiches again! If I get baloney sandwiches one more time I swear I'll jump off this building." The next day at lunch time the Irishman opens his lunch and sees corn beef and cabbage. Without a word he walks to the edge and jumps off the building. Then the Italian opens his. "Meatballs and spaghetti again! This is too much!" Then he too jumps off the building. The blond guy sees more baloney sandwiches in his lunchbox and he also leaps 50 stories to his death. A few days later at the funeral for all three men the sobbing wife of the Irishman says "I thought he liked corn beef and cabbage. If I had known how much he hated it I would have made him something else for lunch." The Italian's wife agrees and with tears in her eyes said if she would have only listened to him and believed him she would never have given him spaghetti and meatballs again. When the blond guy's wife doesn't say anything everybody turns to look at her. She says. "Why is everybody staring at me like that? He made his own lunch."
The pope and a medicine man are out fishing. At one point the medicine man steps out of the canoe and walks across the water to a fish that was hung on a tree branch in the water. He untangles the line and walks back with the fish. The pope not wanting to be outdone steps out of the canoe and sinks like a stone. After the medicine man pulls him into the boat the pope says "I had no idea your powers were that much stronger than mine" Medicine man says "less to do with power, more to do with knowing where the rocks are"
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
