An old farmer with a large farm had a pond in the back forty. He had it fixed up nice; picnic table, dock, diving board, etc. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."
Arab scientists have invented a time machine that can transport a whole country back to the middle ages. They're calling it Islam
The teacher at terrorist school sternly asked Abdul why he didn't turn in his homework. Abdul replied that he had forgotten his backpack on the bus. The teacher replied, "Outstanding! You get an A Plus"
Three guys were on vacation at a ski lodge. There wasn't a lot of room at the lodge so they had to share one bed. In the middle of the night the guy on the right woke up and said, "I just dreamt I was getting a hand job!" The guy on the left also woke up and said, "That's funny, I just dreamt I was getting a hand job too!" Just then the guy in the middle woke up and said, "Wow I just had a dream that I was skiing..."
And one more for @LaSalleAve A friend gave me a brownie with some marijuana in it. What a waste! I couldn't keep it lit.
I couldn't fall asleep and this just came to me so please, no groaning. Did you hear about the blonde who thought a bandaid was a benefit concert for washed up musicians?
Maybe this belongs in a thread about news or science instead of the joke thread. In 1977 NASA launched a Voyage spacecraft into a trajectory that would take it out of our solar system. The objective was that maybe the craft would be found by some intelligent life form and would initiate contact between them and mankind. The spacecraft was loaded with every bit of information that NASA scientists could think of to give the otherworldly beings a glimpse of humanity. The world's greatest literature in many languages was put onboard. The great works of art from Van Gogh, Da Vinci to Picasso and Andy Warhol. All of our scientific achievements from steamboats to locomotives to automobiles to the Wright Brothers to modern airliners was digitized and included. All forms of music were included. Mozart, the Beatles, Johnny Cash, Led Zeppelin, Pavarotti, folk music and even tribal chants and drumbeats from primitive groups. As complete a compendium of knowledge about the human race as was possible. After several years the Voyager craft finally cleared our solar system and headed into interstellar space. Years passed. Year after year scientists monitored a giant radio telescope in the hope of picking up a signal from the finders of the Voyager. For years there was nothing but silence and routine "space noise." Finally, about four years ago the radio telescope picked up a message from deep space and light years away. Nobody could understand what the message said but it was assumed to be of monumental importance. The world's best cryptologists and linguists working together were unable to decypher the message. NASA turned the job over to the giant mainframe supercomputer at IBM. The computer was so fast it could perform billions of calculations per second. Still, the message was in a language so incredibly complex that the supercomputer was unable to crack it immediately. Week after week it silently compared every possible permutation against every other. Months passed, then years and the computer continued to work. Finally, about two weeks ago the message was decyphered. Who knew what promise it held for the human race? Would it lead to great scientific advancements? Would it end hunger and disease? Would it bring about world peace? It was decided that a message of such huge importance should be read only to a group of the worlds greatest minds. It was placed into an envelope and sealed. Over 500 of the greatest scientists and thinkers in the world were gathered together to hear the message. To read the message to the assemblage only someone with a great voice could give it the respect and gravitas it deserved. The task of reading the most important message in the history of mankind was given to James Earl Jones. The envelope was handed to Jones. He carefully open it with a platinum laser letter opener and began to read. The message was short. It was only a single sentence. SEND MORE LED ZEPPELIN PS. Its a good thing Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus weren't around to have their music included or the advanced beings surely would have destroyed the Earth.
And how did they send all of this information? . . . they put it on a gold-plated LP record. Not a digital file. Not with a phonograph. Just the disk. I sure hope that advanced civilization still possesses a hi-fi.
