This is something I could totally see my grandfather having done when he was alive. You have no idea how spot on this is for him. Thanks for posting it.
Proud Irish Father An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way,folks ... like I said - my boy's a typical County Cork baby boy.." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says: "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ..... So how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers: "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says: "Had him circumcised."
Heard this about someone else, but this is an LSU website, so....... Two-thirds of the earth is covered by water. The other third is covered by Patrick Peterson.
A Korean guy was going to cook wis wife a surprise birthday dinner. Then somebody let the cat out of the bag.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense! Glasgow cop says, ” Licence and registration, please.” London Lawyer says, “What for?” Glasgow cop says, “Ye did’nt come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.” Glasgow cop says, “Ye still did’nt come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please” London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?” Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. Licence and registration, please!” London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.” The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Do ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
Mr. Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: " My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." " My daughterSybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." " My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs.Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all that property". Sarah replies " Property ? .... the asshole had a paper route!"
My son said "Dad, I've wanted to be a pirate my whole life. Will you help me?" So I paid his way to law school.
Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Perp: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes."
