will probably have transgender milk by then. lasalle has enough guilt already looking for a reason to stop buying the white milk anyhow. hopefully i never have to use this but if needed i will. I still laugh at this one. i didnt see it coming.
A Muslim walks into his local mosque with a big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about, Abdul?" Asks the Imam. "Well, I'll tell you," replies Abdul. "I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Allah be praised - we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him!" "By the most Merciful," exclaimed the Imam, "you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?" Abdul grimaced, "By the Jinn, I do not know - I never found her head."
So, a guy dies and goes to heaven. At St Pete's desk, he notices a wall, a gigantic wall full of clocks. He asks St Pete what is going on with the clocks. St Pete says, "Well, these are Liar's clocks. Everyone has one, and every time you tell a lie, the clock ticks." "Wow!" said the man, "Has anyone ever not had a tick?" St Pete pulls down mother Teresa's, there is not one tick. The man is impressed. The man asks then to be shown Abe Lincoln's clock. St Pete gets it, and low and behold, there are two ticks. The man is aghast, but St Pete confirms that even Honest Abe told two lies. Intrigued, the man asks to be shown Hillary Clinton's clock. St Pete tells the man he can't show him Hillary's clock because it is in Jesus's office, up in the executive suites. The man asks why is Hillary's clock up with Jesus, is she that special. St Pete chuckles and says, "No, Jesus uses it for a ceiling fan!"
Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Nick Saban and his wife Terri were driving through the West Virginia town where they came from when they had to stop for gas. It was an old time gas station where the attendant still pumps your gas, checks the oil and tires and wipes your windshield. When the attendant approach their car they saw that he was Terri's old boyfriend from high school. Nick chuckled snidely and said, "If you had married him you would be the wife of a gas station attendant." Terri replied, "If I had married him he would be the head football coach at the University of Alabama."
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
A nun is walking down the street one evening. Then a drunk crossed the road, walks straight up to her and kicks her in the knee. He then proceeds to rain punches on her face. Before she really knows what is going on he pulls her back up and knocks her out with a vicious head butt. Standing over her battered body he dusts off his hands and gloats "You're not so fuckin tough and scary tonight are you Batman!"
