New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun Founding Member

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    A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at HΘΘters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.

    Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at HΘΘters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

    Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at HΘΘters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

    Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at HΘΘters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

    Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at HΘΘters because they had never been there before.
     
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  2. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    True story. A man named Boudreaux was arrested yesterday after climbing the security fence of Mike the Tiger's habitat. There was no mention of Thibodeaux in the story but Mike wasn't hungry this morning.
     
  3. shane0911

    shane0911 Helping lost idiots find their village

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    One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
    You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."


    That's Direct Marketing.



    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says," She's fantastic in bed."

    That's Advertising.



    You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

    That's Telemarketing.




    You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

    That's Public Relations.


    You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

    That's Brand Recognition.



    You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

    That's a Sales Rep.



    Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

    That's Tech Support.



    You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

    That's Facebook.


    You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.


    That's former President Bill Clinton.



    You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

    That's America.....
     
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  4. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

    First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

    Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows.

    Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."​

    Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

    First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

    Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."​

    They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

    First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

    Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."​
     
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  5. mctiger

    mctiger RIP, and thanks for the music Staff Member

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    Love how Jerry Clower told this joke.
     
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  6. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun Founding Member

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    A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

    Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

    The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

    "And how about you, Sarah?"

    "I wanna be Larry’s whore..."
     
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  7. shane0911

    shane0911 Helping lost idiots find their village

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    Funny who were the first two to like @HalloweenRun 's joke

    Priceless
     
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  8. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    The dim ones?
     
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  9. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    Before their debate the other night John Bel Edwards was bragging about his military service and he told David Vitter "You wouldn't have lasted 10 minutes in my unit."

    Vitter replied, "You wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes with one of my whores."
     
  10. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun Founding Member

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    Dear Abby, My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years . All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies . I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters . I know because he brags about this to me . He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night . We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off! Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby ? Your advice would be appreciated .....
    Mad as Hell

    Dear Mad as Hell,
    You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man . I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan , and try to act like a lady! Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States , so try acting like one !
    Abby
     
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