New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    The man said, "I do, Father."

    The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

    Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

    "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

    O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

    The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

    O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
  2. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

    +Tourist: $ 5.00

    +Broiled Missionary: $10.00

    +Fried Explorer: $15.00

    +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"

    The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."
  3. LSUGradin99

    LSUGradin99 I Bleedeth Purple 'N Gold

    Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

    Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land".

    Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

    I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, social security, retirement funds, etc. So, I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
    gyver, pepe lepew and RHans405 like this.
  4. LaSalleAve

    LaSalleAve when in doubt, mumble

    "The Ten Commandments - Republican-Style"

    I. Thou shalt talk about Christian principles, but not live by them.

    II. Thou shalt attack opponents personally when you can't win on policies.

    III. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, but be in favor of the death penalty.

    IV. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, and put guns in the hands of school

    V. Thou shalt give lip service to democracy while taking away civil

    VI. Profit is the Lord Thy God, thou shalt not put the people's interest
    above those of your corporate contributors.

    VII. Thou shalt make sure fetuses have health coverage, but leave children
    and babies behind.

    VIII. Thou shalt bear false witness against your opponents and liberals, and
    demonize them.

    IX. Thou shalt run on a moderate platform, then enact right-wing policies as
    soon as possible.

    X. Thou shalt call the media liberal, so that people forget that the media
    is owned by corporations with a conservative fiscal agenda.
    1 person likes this.
  5. shane0911

    shane0911 Veteran Member Staff Member

    What is the difference between Washington DC and Africa?

    In Africa they have African Lions

    In DC they have....
    1 person likes this.
  6. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
    One who loves to listen long.
    One who thinks before he speaks
    One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

    I want him to be gainfully employed,
    When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
    Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
    massages my back and begs to do more.

    Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
    And knows how to answer "how big is my behind?"
    I want this man to love me to no end,
    And always be my very best friend.

    I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac heiress with big hooters who owns a liquor store and a ranch. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit.
  7. shane0911

    shane0911 Veteran Member Staff Member

    Found this on the interwebs, it sounds exactly like something my Grandfather would have done:

    How to call the police when you're old and don't move fast anymore.

    George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

    He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

    Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

    George said, "Okay."

    He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

    "Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
  8. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

    A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was
    visiting the city and they were in a mall for the
    first time in their lives. The father and son were
    strolling around while the wife shopped. They
    were amazed by almost everything they saw, but
    especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
    move apart and then slide back together again.
    The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?’ The father
    (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I
    dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my
    entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is. While
    the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
    a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to
    the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
    opened and the lady rolled between them into a
    small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
    father watched the small circular number above
    the walls light up sequentially. They continued to
    watch until it reached the last number and then
    the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
    Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
    voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped
    out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young
    woman, said quietly to his son, ‘Boy.................go
    gitcha momma'.
  9. LSUGradin99

    LSUGradin99 I Bleedeth Purple 'N Gold

    Why men aren't secretaries...

    Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

    Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
    They said the Pabst beer is normal.
    I didn't know you liked beer.
    Better pick up some extra.
    pepe lepew likes this.
  10. HatcherTiger

    HatcherTiger Freedom Isn't Free


    A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and
    asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
    restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

    The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give
    Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

    The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He
    shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
    cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
    Jesus, over there?"

    The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
    hot tea, "My treat."

    The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
    He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
    about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
    restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

    The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold
    beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him
    and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the
    strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

    Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
    kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up
    and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips
    out the door.

    Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

    The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."
    gyver likes this.

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