New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. shane0911

    shane0911 Veteran Member Staff Member

  2. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

    Baptist Cowboy

    A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..'

    The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

    'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

    'Hasn't affected my brothers though..'
    LSUTyga73, pepe lepew and RHans405 like this.
  3. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

    The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

    Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

    At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

    Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every state where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. They mostly meet at fishing camps and golf courses.

    BAY0U BENGAL I'm a Chinese Bandit

    George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
    While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
    devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

    Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
    finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
    Putin writes him a check.

    Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
    is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
    she writes him a check.

    Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
    finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

    When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
    got to call the USA so cheaply.

    The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
    gone to hell, so it's a local call."
    pepe lepew and KyleK like this.
  5. shane0911

    shane0911 Veteran Member Staff Member

    While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

    The Old rancher said "Well you know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle'".

    Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'."

    "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there."

    Read more:
  6. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his private bathroom. When he entered Clinton 's personal quarters, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

    That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. 'Just think,' he said, 'when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!'

    Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

    That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill . . . "I found out who pissed in your Saxophone."
    pepe lepew likes this.
  7. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

    Even I'll admit, that's pretty funny Red. :hihi:
  8. mctiger

    mctiger Kenny HIlliard, Beast Staff Member

    That might be believable if it didn't end with Bill going to bed with Hillary. :lol:
  9. shane0911

    shane0911 Veteran Member Staff Member

    And who keeps a sax next to the crapper?
  10. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    Some people read, some people play jazz . . . Hey Monica, let me show you my sax . . .


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