New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

    Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
    So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
    So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."
    They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.
    He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
    And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
     
  2. shane0911

    shane0911 Veteran Member Staff Member

    The tale of two diaries (if we actually ever kept one)

    IN HER DIARY:

    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made
    plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends
    all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
    late, but he made no comment on it.

    Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
    quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him
    what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault
    that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do
    with me, and not to worry about it.

    On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled
    slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know
    why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I
    had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
    He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant
    and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to
    bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed To my surprise, he
    responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was
    distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I
    cried. I don't know what to do.

    I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My
    life is a disaster.


    IN HIS DIARY:

    My Bass boat wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at
    least I got laid
     
    pepe lepew likes this.
  3. BAY0U BENGAL

    BAY0U BENGAL I'm a Chinese Bandit

    :rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  4. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

    Awright..so a guy goes to apply for a new job in these tight economic times. He asked the lady what the job entails. She tells him the job is a gynocological assistant. The guy says, sounds complicated, what would I do. The response..when the ladies come in for their exam, you help them undress, you do any prep work with a razor if needed, you then serve them a cool glass of white wine to help them relax, and then you rub them all over with warm oil.

    The guy is thinking this sounds pretty good, so he asks how much it pays. The answer, $65,000. He goes, "I want this job."

    The lady says there is only one hang up and that is, he must go to Missoula, MT. The guy says, "Is that where the job is located?" The lady says, "Nope, that is the end of the line!"
     
  5. OkieTigerTK

    OkieTigerTK Tornado Alley

    And if tf chicks kept a diary:

    He got laid and is still in a pissy mood. What's it take, a new bass boat?

    :hihi:
     
  6. bayareatiger

    bayareatiger If it's too loud YOU'RE TOO OLD

    Naw, more foreplay. :rofl:
     
  7. martin

    martin Banned Forever

    i thought about it and i dont get it. i really want to.
     
  8. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

    What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?















    It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
     
    3 people like this.
  9. Swerved

    Swerved Schrödinger's cat is dead

    Bulletin:

    Today BP and the Obama administration said they would no longer contact local Cajuns in Louisiana for help in cleaning up the oil spill. Boudreaux and Thibodaux were both contacted Friday of last week and asked to go to the marsh and clean all the Brown Pelicans they could find.

    By the end of the weekend, Boudreaux had cleaned and gutted approximately 56 pelicans while Thibodaux made the roux and cooked the rice.







    what... too soon?
     
    3 people like this.
  10. Texas_Tiger

    Texas_Tiger Tiger Stuck in Aggie Land

    If you want to stop the Gulf Oil Spill, all you have to do is put a wedding band around the BOP.


    And I guarantee it will stop putting out in 2 weeks!!!
     

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