New Joke Thread

Well, there is a long line of people that are waiting for an interview to try to get the job since for many, that would be an ideal job.

 

Two Large Plastic Garbage Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large Plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 Bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that Money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next Wrigley Field. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his Thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the Way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".

 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can
remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs... She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
:hihi:

 

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from "Mississippi State University" and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

 

Two antennas meet, fall in love, and get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

A set of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender sez, I will serve you, but you better not start anything.

 

Hmm..

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says "Why the long face?"...





Thank you.. I'll be here all week.