New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. LaSalleAve

    LaSalleAve when in doubt, mumble

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    a little girl on a bicycle is riding on the sidewalk, a cop on a horse comes up to her and asks,
    "did Santa get you that bike little girl?"
    the little girl says "why yes mr. officer",
    the officer writes the little girl a ticket and gives it to her and says " well, tell your dad, next year Santa needs to get you a tail light"
    the little girl smiles and says "did Santa get you your horse mr. officer?"
    the officer playing along says "why yes"
    the little girl says "next year, tell Santa, the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top"
     
  2. Swerved

    Swerved It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.

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    A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being
    interviewed.

    The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

    Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit."

    "Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

    "That's the attitude we're looking for." said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"
     
    b_leblanc, pepe lepew and shane0911 like this.
  3. LaSalleAve

    LaSalleAve when in doubt, mumble

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    Why do Republicans love doing laundry?















    They're naturals at separating the whites from the colors.

    zing!!
     
  4. BAY0U BENGAL

    BAY0U BENGAL I'm a Chinese Bandit

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    What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

    The puppy stops whining after it grows up.
     
    2 people like this.
  5. LaSalleAve

    LaSalleAve when in doubt, mumble

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    :lol:
     
  6. Swerved

    Swerved It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.

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    [​IMG]
    :eek: THAT'S RACIST!! :eek:

    :lol:
     
  7. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

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    The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

    The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.

    "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
    She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.."

     
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  8. shane0911

    shane0911 Helping lost idiots find their village

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    Three new Navy ships
    USS REAGAN
    Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS!
    [​IMG]
    BEAUTIFUL!

    When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

    Capability

    Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling

    1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years

    2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft

    3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton a ircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

    Size
    1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline

    2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall

    3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres

    4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds

    5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons

    6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet

    Capacity

    1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel

    2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days

    3. 18,150 meals served daily

    4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes

    5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 m iles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones

    6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets

    7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation

    8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).

    US Navy welcomes the USS Bill Clinton

    Sunday, July 2, 2006 Vancouver , BC . Headed for Seattle, WA., the US Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today.

    The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC.
    [​IMG]
    The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while president.

    The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.
    It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launch ed or captured on the 100 foot fl ight deck, form a very menacing presence.

    As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

    The 20 person crew is completely diversified, including members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation.

    This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.!
    < /STRONG>
    An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

    The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense, but instead in times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .
    The ship may be positioned near the Democratic National Party Headquarters for photo-ops.
    The Clin-toons Should be very proud.



    USS Barack Obama sailing in from Cuba via Saudi Arabia , Africa, Iran , Iraq & China .
    [​IMG]
    Nicknamed: The Good Ship Lollypop. For all the Suckers voting for Him.
     
  9. shaqazoolu

    shaqazoolu Concentrated Awesome

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    Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
     
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  10. shane0911

    shane0911 Helping lost idiots find their village

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    I am convinced that this is absolutely impossible. That is why it is so funny. Nicely done.
     

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