The Athletic Department is distributing 50,000 pom poms to LSU fans for the Ole Miss game this weekend.
First, I need to start off giving you some perspective about me before I make a statement concerning this.
I’m not what you would call a manly-man.
I don’t hunt, I haven’t fished in forever, and the only thing I know how to do on my car is open the hood, fill the wiper or anti freeze/coolant fluid reservoir, and change a tire.
I don’t own a gun.
If home repairs require more than duct tape or WD-40, I can’t do them. I also know how to correctly spell “duct tape.”
I have trouble tying effective knots, I have an awful sense of direction, and from time to time, I enjoy a glass of wine.
So no one is ever going to make a Chuck Norris list about me and that’s ok.
But rest assured, if you’re a heterosexual male and you pick up a pom pom and gleefully shake it around then prepare to have your man card voided.
Pom poms are for cheerleaders. And even male cheerleaders don’t use them.
Somehow, they became en vogue in SEC sister cities like Oxford, Auburn, and Tuscaloosa.
Don’t be that guy.
I don’t care if you can kill a live black bear (oh how appropriate) with your bare hands, when you shake a pom pom you might as well carry a purse and wear a tutu. The guys waving pom poms are the same guys who wear brightly team colored khaki’s. Don’t do that either.
Jesus, what the hell happened to college sports?!
Pom poms may work in those above places, and do you know why? They are a visual extension of your school spirit. Look at me, I’m waving a pom pom, go team! Look at how much of a fan I am with my incessant waving of shredded plastic fringe on a stick!
But LSU fans have had it right all along.
The only extension (oh and btw I’ve got your extension right here!! Sorry, I needed to re-affirm my manhood after the beginning of this section) of fandom that Tiger fans need to present is the one we’ve been prolific at for years….noise.
Pom poms are the weak substitute for spine tingling, ear raping, ground shaking, NOISE.
You shouldn’t have a hand free to wave a pom pom if you are using both your hands at the edge of your mouth to effectively funnel noise to the field.
I can’t believe I need to type this. But that’s what happens when you get older. Stuff changes. They start playing Justin Beiber in the stadium and fans start to think pom poms are a good idea.
I’ve fought a losing battle against “the wave” in the stadium for many years. Its Tiger Stadium herpes, it’s not going anywhere and I’ve accepted that. But there’s still time to fight the good fight versus the pom pom.
Put the pom pom down.
Do it not only for yourself but for future generations. It’s too late for places like Alabama, Auburn, and Ole Miss, but we still have a chance.
Put the pom pom down. (Or give it to your girlfriend/wife/mom/daughter/drunken date/paid escort. It’s no big deal if they shake it, it’ll give them something to do instead of looking at their watch and wondering if they can leave to drive around the city to see if they can catch a glance of the “Twilight” cast.)
This is just another thing that women try to push on us men in order to change us, like yoga, fat free mayonnaise, or Glee.
Remember, every time a man shakes a pom pom Mike the V mauls a baby angel.
Guys, together we can all stop the madness, one unshaken pom pom at a time.
Shake the Valley, not the pom poms.
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