Start off with Willie being disappointed that the Jail didn't send him a private jet, but only sent him an armored van with bars (and I don't mean the alcoholic type of bars).
I'm crossing the Gainesville Lockup off my list. I mean, first they pick me up in a 2 year old Ford Crown Victoria. Ain't they got any class at all. Can't they at least pick Willie up in an Escalade? And the handcuffs was made out of stainless steel, for Crissakes? Willie don't wear no bling bling that ain't at least 24 ct gold. Thanks to my lawyer they had me booked and in my cell before dinner time. What is with these guys anyway? Willie wasn't expectin' no Radisson or Hilton but this place is worse than a Motel 6. Don't they have any class at all? Anyway by this time I was starving so I figured I would pig out on some steaks and lobsters and catch a few Z's since I wasn't going noplace anyway. When they finally brought dinner I couldn't believe it. Where's the steak. Where are Willie's lobsters? As hungry as I was I couldn't hardly eat that chunk of meat full of fat and gristle and that little splot of rice on the metal tray wasn't enough to keep a Chinaman alive. Willie mighta starved to death if one of my fellow recruits hadn't offered me a couple of his candy bars. He was this huge guy that all the other homies called Psycho. I thought he was just being nice to me because he knew Willie was famous but after I ate his candy he told me to drop my pants and bend over. I told him "Hey dude, Willie ain't into that kind of kinky sh*t. Back off and I'll set you up with one of those Auburn farmer girls."
From a Florida board: Willie Williams trip to Jail -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When Carroll County Jail came to pick me up, I knew it was special. They sent a whole private van just for me! I knew I must have been important to them because I was the only recruit in the van. That was tight. They made a big deal out of trying to impress me by blaring the sirens and giving me my own armed escort. I felt important. When I arrived at the jail, the warden told me that I could expect to start right away for the prison team. They have lost all of their starting linebackers to parole so the early playing time sounded good to me. The warden took me into a room. They already had a uniform set out just for me! I asked the warden if I could keep my highschool number but he said, "look at your uniform Willie, it's already got a number on it, we copied it from your first arrest". I guess they saved #986347 for me! Anyway, I put on the uniform and the warden told me "It's you, Willie." From there I got to run out into the cell block with my uniform on. I took I got a tour of the weight room and it was the best. It is the only weight room I have ever seen where it is outside in the "yard". Man, they have a great weight training program and some of those big dudes must work out six hours a day. I told the warden I was hungry and he took me to the restuarant to eat. It was the only place I have visited that has a restaurant right there. I asked for 5 lobster tails and 2 steaks. They told me they were out of both so I had 6 sloppy joes. To be honest, the food wasn't up to my usual standards. Fortunately, one of the playas hosting me offered to toss me a salad later that night. That was tight. After dinner I was looking to party. I asked some of the playas "where the women at?" they just looked at me and smiled. I met with a counselor to talk about classes. I couldn't decide whether to study liscense plate manufacturing or internet dating. I didn't like the fact that I had to spend the evening behind bars. I ain't no parakeet! Where the farmers' daughters at?
