The Bear 'O Meter

Discussion in 'The Tiger's Den' started by Bengal B, May 29, 2003.

  1. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

    Sep 5, 2002
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  2. StarscreamLSU

    StarscreamLSU Founding Member

    Aug 26, 2002
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    Scroll down -- I like this story:

    UA Trustees Suspend Head Coach Position Pending Outcome Of Clone Project

    Tuscaloosa(JM) -- University of Alabama Athletic Director Mal Moore announced this morning that the Board of Trustees has agreed to eliminate the head football coach position while a team of geneticists continues work on cloning Paul "Bear" Bryant. The groundbreaking effort, specifically permitted under a 2001 Federal ban on cloning research, was begun in 1997 by visiting professor Giambattista "Jimbo" Tagliacarna from the Colegio della Vivisectioni in Milan, Italy. Initial funding was provided by a grant from the Paul W. Bryant Foundation with additional funds from the Alabama Health Sciences Foundation and the Howell Heflin Center for Bioengineering. Django Fetzler, a former defensive lineman for the Crimson Tide, now a graduate research assistant pursuing a doctorate in Human Potential, told the press that the effort to clone Bryant has shown promising initial results, which have convinced the trustees to appoint only an interim head coach until the viability of the genetically-cloned Bryant is determined. "The next step is to find a suitable surrogate mother to carry the fetus," explained Fetzler. "We have been contacted by several potential 'Mama Bears,' one of whom has even been sending plates of home-made sausage balls up to the lab each morning. We just can't get enough of those sausage balls, Mrs. Lowe, in case you're reading this." Washington State's Mike Riley has agreed to serve in the interim position until the clone's accelerated maturation is finished, which could be as early as 2005. While Riley is a highly respected coach, he was never considered a serious candidate to fill the head coaching vacancy on a permanent basis. "He just lacks the genetic material we're looking for in a head coach," remarked Moore.

    There's a few other good ones in the archives.

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